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How to put the phone down and stop running wild with your own narrative – Guide
Many of us mistakenly believe that it’s easier to send a text message or make a phone call than talk to someone in person, especially when we are upset or disappointed. However, we are shown time and again that the phone it is full of opportunities for miscommunication.
We often don’t realize the phone faux pas we’re making and how they affect our relationships. When it comes to communication etiquette tips, how you relate to someone is very important, says Adisa Azubuike, a psychologist with EBT3 in Toronto. There are some commonsense things you can do or avoid, like notifying someone who is on speakerphone phone, staying away from your phone when you’re out with friends, you don’t constantly send endless links and updates to your adult children or friends in group chat. But mostly, we need to learn not to be so reactive; not to run wild with our perceived narrative.
“It’s fascinating. I’m a little older, so I have to admit I’m a boomer nation here, but it always occurs to me that I need to respond right away,” Azubuike said. “Where does this protocol come from?” He says that sending text messages and expecting an immediate response lead to many situations that promote anxiety.
An excellent example? When you keep looking at your phone to see if you missed a reply even though your notifications were turned on or when you blew up up someone phone (contacting them repeatedly) only to find silence. It comes down to the ego. “It is a misconception that you are being rejected, you may even feel abandoned and that the person’s silence or delay is a statement or a negative assessment of you,” Azubuike said.
He says that when you become reactive to someone’s silence, it can create bigger problems, but the person may simply be busy or have a different technological ethic.
Just because someone doesn’t respond right away doesn’t mean it’s an assessment of you, it just means they’re preoccupied with other things. “There’s a concern that you need to respond to in kind or immediately, and that’s not a pressure you need to give in to,” Azubuike said.
In a recent Instagram post, certified dating coach Eunice Hong, who runs the popular Instagram account @artofdatingnyc, wrote: “Self-service: Deleting the paragraph and answering OK.” This, in reference to typing long and reactionary shouty paragraphs when worked up or defensively.
If you’ve already done this, join the club first; secondly, you’ve probably learned that it never happens the way you want and may regret your now registered words (thanks to screenshots, now called receipts). “Never have meaningful text conversations, that’s the first rule,” said Hong.
“We all bring our own narrative to the table, which may or may not be factual. Your feelings about it are real, but that doesn’t make them real,” Hong said. You might think someone is being mean to you, but if you asked an objective person, would they feel the same way? Maybe not.”
Becoming emotionally mature, Hong said, is a process of learning and having a constructive mindset, which is a practice in itself. It’s knowing what you bring to the table and what comes from the dynamics of the relationship.
For example, if someone sends you a text message and you overreact, you may feel that you have a right to overreact, but on second thought, you realize that the overreaction is disproportionate. If you’re guilty of this, she suggests that you send a text message as soon as you calm down and say something like, “I overreacted, but I’m glad this conversation is over phone or in person. ”
Azubuike agrees. Pre-tech, when we were writing letters, people had time to think, write, fold the paper, put it in the envelope, and walk to the mailbox. Email and texting, on the other hand, can be more susceptible to impulsiveness.
Instead, like Hong, he suggests waiting until you can connect on a call or in person to discuss the issue at hand. “The long paragraph didn’t get good answers,” said Azubuike. “It’s so fascinating how we feel the need to respond and how we probably wouldn’t have responded that way in person.”
According to Azubuike, we adopt this behavior because technology gives us a sense of distance. But remember that text messages are recorded: you can say “I didn’t mean to say that” or actually forget what was said, but receipts or screenshots can last forever and will only go away if the recipient deletes them. of your phone.
Need damage control or want to connect with someone you’ve had a text disagreement with? “I always believe that human relationships are best served when we are proactive, when we try harder than we back down,” said Azubuike.
He suggests leaving a phone message and following up with a text reiterating its message, something like: “I’m still here. When you’re ready, call me. I still value ‘you as a friend’, so I give them their space. This demonstrates your care and is up for them to arrive.
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